Up-Coming Speaking Events

NOTE: For sample speaking topic descriptions, please see
http://www.EileenKennedyMoore.com/speaking_info_sample_topics.html

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2012, Princeton, NJ, for PARENTS
– Helping Siblings Get Along –
5:00 pm. Harmony School, 1 Merwick Rd., Princeton, NJ 08540.

Friday, March 2, 2012, NJ, for EDUCATORS
– Getting Unstuck: Managing Our Own Emotions While Working With Children –
11:00 am – 12:15 pm. New Jersey Montessori Corporation (NJMAC) conference. Pines Manor, 27 Lincoln Highway, Edison, NJ 08817.

Monday, March 26, 2012 through Friday, March 30, 2012, on-line, for PARENTS
– Helping Gifted Children Handle Cooperation and Competition –
On-line seminar for Davidson Institute for Talent Development. www.DavidsonGifted.org

Friday, April 27, 2012, NY, for WRITERS
– Camera Ready: Look and Sound Better on Camera –
10:15 am – 11:15 am. Moderator for panel at American Society of Journalists and Authors (ASJA) annual conference. Roosevelt Hotel, New York, NY. http://www.asja.org

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Past Speaking Events

RADIO & TV APPEARANCES:
http://www.EileenKennedyMoore.com/wp/radio-tv-appearances/dr-kennedy-moores-media-appearances

INTERNATIONAL

Serpell Primary School, Templestowe, Victoria, AUSTRALIA

STATE or NATIONAL CONFERENCES & PROFESSIONAL MEETINGS

American Psychological Association
American Montessori Society
American Society of Journalists and Authors (ASJA)
Backspace Writer’s Conference
Central NJ Reading Council
Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists
Focus on Strong Families Conference
H.E.R. (Here Everyone Relates) Day Conference for women who have lost their mothers
La Leche League of New Jersey
Mercer County Professional Counselors Association
National Association for the Education of the Young Child (NAEYC)
New Jersey Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists
New Jersey Association for Gifted Children
New Jersey Association of Women Therapists
New Jersey Library Association
New Jersey Montessori Administrators’ Council
New Jersey Montessori Society
New Jersey Psychological Association
Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) of New Jersey

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SCHOOLS, LIBRARIES, & COMMUNITY GROUPS

CONNECTICUT

Whitby School, Greenwich

ILLINOIS

Hubbard Woods Elementary School, Winnetka
Winnetka Community Nursery School, Winnetka

MARYLAND

Southern Maryland Child Care Resource Ctr (SMCCRC) Project First Choice conf., Waldorf

NEW JERSEY

Barnes & Noble Booksellers: Clark, Clifton, Freehold, Hackensack, Hamilton, Holmdel, Howell,
Marlton, Paramus, Princeton, Springfield
Barclay Brook Elementary School, Monroe Township
Bordentown Regional School District, Hamilton
Brooks Crossing Elementary School, Monmouth Junction
Carteret Public Library
Cranbury Presbyterian Nursery School, Cranbury
Cranbury Public Library, Cranbury
Cranbury School, Cranbury
Ethel McKnight Elementary School, East Windsor
Franklin Elementary School, Summit
Hamilton Park Montessori School, Jersey City
Hopewell Public Library, Hopewell
Kendall Park Elementary School, Kendall Park
Lawrenceville School District / Lawrence Township Education Foundation, Lawrenceville
Plainsboro MOMS Club, Plainsboro
Princeton Day School, Princeton
Princeton Montessori School, Princeton
Princeton Public Library, Princeton
Princeton Regional School District
Somerset County Library Commission Development Day
South Brunswick Parent Academy, South Brunswick
Temple Sharey Tefilo Israel Nursery School, South Orange
Union County Gifted and Talented Association
Upper Freehold Regional Elementary/Middle School PTA and EQUITY, Allentown
West Windsor MOMS Club, West Windsor
Westfield Cooperative Nursery School, Westfield

PENNSYLVANIA

Barnes & Noble Booksellers: Oxford Valley, Willow Grove
Bryn Mawr Presbyterian Church, Bryn Mawr
Montessori Children’s Community, Sewickley
Montessori Cottage, Fallsington
The Pen Ryn School, Fairless Hills
Shady Brook Farms Summer Literacy Program, Yardley

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For more information or to discuss the speaker needs of your organization, please call 609-655-2010 or email Dr. Kennedy-Moore at EileenKennedyMoore [at] gmail [dot] com.

photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevin_kloecker/2832524081/

A friend of mine recently told me about this conversation with her son:

Son: Mom, you have to get to know people before you can be friends.
Mom: Hmmm . . . that makes a lot of sense.
Son: And sometimes when you do something gross, people decide right away they don’t like you, and they don’t take the time to get to know you.
Mom: Oh . . . is this a problem you’ve had?
Son: Yeah.
Mom: What are you going to do?
Son: I’m going to try not to be gross.

No child deserves to be rejected. We can and should encourage children to be kind and tolerant of others, and cruelty is never acceptable. However, some children regularly act in ways that make it hard for other kids to accept them. Helping children with off-putting behaviors to recognize and change these (if possible) can make it less likely that they will be rejected.

Trying not to be gross is a good start.

Research about rejected children

Rejected children are those who are disliked by many of their peers and liked by few. Because being left out can be so painful for children, researchers have spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure out why some children are rejected. About half of rejected boys are aggressive. They hit, kick, or shove more than other boys, and they also tend to be more disruptive and argumentative.

However, not all rejected boys are aggressive. Another 13-20% are shy and withdrawn. Still others are socially awkward. Their odd, disruptive, or immature behavior is off-putting to peers.

Girls are less likely than boys to be physically aggressive. Compared to their peers, disliked girls tend to be more bossy, to express more negative emotions, to talk more about breaking rules, and to have poorer conflict resolution skills.

Although negative behaviors clearly can lead to rejection, the reverse is also sometimes true: Being rejected can bring out the worst in kids, which leads to more rejection…

Common behaviors that push away friends

Almost every child experiences the pain of being excluded at some point, but if your child is going through a particularly difficult period of struggling to get along with peers, you may want to consider whether your child might be doing something to contribute to the problems. If you’re not sure, your child’s teacher may have some useful observations. Here are some common off-putting behaviors and alternatives:

– Trying (unsuccessfully) to be funny. Everyone enjoys being around people with a great sense of humor. However, humor requires a sophisticated understanding of both expectations and how to violate those expectations without going too far. When attempts at humor are even a little bit “off,” they’re not funny; they’re annoying.

Children who struggle socially are rarely able to master the subtleties of humor. They’re better off trying to kind, rather than funny. You may want to help your child brainstorm possible acts of kindness to try at school. (If necessary, warn your child against giving away money or possessions. Peers might accept these gifts, but they’ll respect your child less. True friends can’t be bought.) Writing down acts of kindness or reporting them at dinnertime or bedtime can also help your child feel good about him- or herself.

– Ignoring “stop” signals. Everyone makes social mistakes. This is usually no big deal, as long as we pick up on social cues and recognize that we need to stop. Children who struggle socially are often oblivious to others’ reactions, which can lead them to persist in doing unwanted or inappropriate behaviors. For instance, they may continue lecturing about a topic long after their listeners have lost interest, or they may repeatedly kick a classmate’s chair after they’ve been asked to stop. This can be infuriating for peers.
You may need to help your child recognize “stop” signals. These include nonverbal behaviors such as looking away (or even walking away!) as well as statements such as “Quit it!” or “You’re being annoying!” See if your child can make a list of “stop” signals. You may also need to help your child come up with a plan for stopping. This might involve physically moving farther away, saying something like “Well, that’s enough of that” or asking, “What would you like to do?”

– Being a poor sport. Playing games is a big part of social interaction for elementary school children. Children who struggle socially often have a hard time coping with winning and losing. They may argue, cheat, shove, or become very upset if things don’t go their way. This spoils the fun for other kids.
If your child struggles in this area, you may want to build up your child’s tolerance for losing at home. Start with cooperative games or “beat your own record” contests, and work your way up to brief and then longer competitive games. Emphasize that winning and losing are temporary. Explain to your child that we can’t always win the game, but we can always “win the fun” by enjoying the company of playmates.

– Bragging. Children who struggle socially sometimes think that they need to impress their peers in order to draw friends to them like a magnet draws steel. This never works. Rather than trying to impress peers—which implies to other children, “I’m better than you!”—they should try to look for common ground.
Kids make friends by doing things together. Children are also more attracted to other children whom they perceive as similar to themselves. Help your child figure out some ways to discover or create things in common with peers. This could mean signing up for an after-school activity, inviting a potential friend to a fun outing (e.g., bowling, a movie), or observing or asking questions to identify shared interests with classmates.

Hope for rejected children

Reputations die hard, so helping your child learn to avoid off-putting behaviors won’t instantly lead to peer acceptance. But it’s a step in the right direction.

Gerbert Haselager and his colleagues found encouraging results in a study of boys who were rejected by their peers in kindergarten: They followed these boys for five years, and by the end of elementary school, the majority of the initially peer-rejected boys who did not sustain a high level of aggression were no longer rejected. Change is definitely possible, but sometimes it takes awhile.

Your child may find it easier to gain acceptance one-on-one rather than in a group setting. Having even one mutual close friend can go a long towards taking the sting out of rejection by others.

Did you have an experience of being rejected as a child? Were you able to move past it somehow?

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© Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD. You’re welcome to link to this post, but please don’t reproduce it without written permission. www.EileenKennedyMoore.com

Getting Along blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation.

photo credit: Kurt and Sybilla http://www.flickr.com/photos/upturnedface/941939649/

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For further reading:

Asher, S. R., & McDonald, K. L. (2009). The behavioral basis of acceptance, rejection, and perceived popularity. In K. H. Rubin, W. M. Bukowski, & B. Laursen (Eds.), Handbook of peer interactions, relationships, and groups: Social, emotional, and personality development in context (pp. 232-249). New York: Guilford.

Dodge, K. A. (1983). Behavioral antecedents of peer social status. Child Development, 54, 1386-1399.

Frankel, F., Cantwell, D. P., & Myatt, R. (1996). Helping ostracized children: Social skills training and parent support for socially rejected children. In E.D. Hibbs & P. S. Jensen (Eds.), Psychosocial treatments for child and adolescent disorders: Empirically based strategies for clinical practice (pp. 595-617). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Haselager, G. J. T., Cillessen, A. H. N., Van Lieshout, C. F. M. Riksen-Walrave, J. M. A., & Hartup, W. W. (2002). Heterogeneity among peer-rejected boys across middle childhood: developmental pathways of social behavior. Developmental Psychology, 38, 446-456.

Rubin, K. H., Coplan, R., Chen, X., Buskirk, A. A., & Wojslawowicz, J. C. (2005). Peer relationships in childhood. In M. H. Bornstein & M. E. Lamb (Eds.), Developmental science: An advanced textbook (5th ed.) (pp. 469-511). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Twenge, J. M., Baumeister, R. F., Tice, D. M., & Stucke, T. S. (2001). If you can’t join them, beat them: Effects of social exclusion on aggressive behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81, 1058-1069.

Hand-painted ceramic tiles commemorating those who died on 9/11/01. Photo by David Sim.

We all lost something on September 11th, 2001. For some of us that loss was very personal: a loved one, a co-worker, a home, or a job. But, even those of us who weren’t affected directly lost our sense of security. When the walls came down on 9/11, many of us felt like our own foundations were shaken. The unthinkable had happened, with no warning! The world suddenly seemed much less predictable and much less safe.

But life goes on. It’s hard to believe it’s now ten years later. We’ve gotten used to taking off our shoes at airports and having our ID checked upon entering skyscrapers. The intense sadness, anger, and fear that many of us experienced in the immediate aftermath of the terrorist attacks have faded in the face of the daily demands of work or school, laundry, dishes, and carpools.

Research shows that for most people, including New York City school children, psychological symptoms following 9/11 were relatively mild and transitory, mostly disappearing within a year. Children who had a harder time adjusting were those who were more directly affected by the attack, such as losing a parent or sibling, had previous traumas or pre-existing mental health problems, and/or had additional post-traumatic stressors, such as poverty. Based on a review of research looking at responses to disasters, George Bonanno and his colleagues conclude that although increased symptoms of anxiety, post-traumatic stress, grief, and depression are common in the first few months after a major disaster, among both adults and children, less than a third will develop chronic difficulties. The fact that most of us are able to bounce back to equilibrium relatively soon after a major negative event is one of the miracles of human nature.

The 10-year anniversary of the September 11th attacks offers us a chance to reflect on what that event meant to us. It’s also a chance to help our children understand this event, perhaps in ways that they couldn’t when they were younger.

What happened?

For many of us adults, 9/11 was a pivotal life experience; for children, it’s a historical event. The first question that most children will have is, “What happened?” They are too young to have many memories of their own of September 11th, but they’re likely to see or hear media coverage of it. They may also hear about it at school or from friends.

Asking your child, “What have you heard about 9/11?” can help you clarify any misunderstandings your child might have. Very young children may be confused by television coverage, thinking that the plane crashes are happening now, or that the crashes happened many, many times.

Keep your explanations simple and age appropriate. For instance, with a young child, you could say something like: “A group of people who hate our country crashed planes into some big buildings. It was sad and scary, because a lot of people died, but it happened a long time ago—before you were born (or when you were little).”

Older children may want to know not only what happened, but why. This is a hard question to answer, but you could say something like: “They thought they were serving God by trying to kill as many Americans as possible. That’s not what we believe. That’s not what most Muslims believe, either.”

Don’t be surprised if you see your young child playing or drawing representations of the terrorist attacks. Those are ways of controlling and processing the information. On the other hand, if your child seems more interested in this afternoon’s soccer game than historical events, don’t push the discussion. Children’s worlds are small.

Am I safe?

A second question regarding September 11th that’s likely to come up for children, whether or not they say it aloud, is, “Am I safe?” One study that looked at children in second, fourth, and sixth grade found that, according to their parents’ observations, older children tend to be more frightened by news stories than younger kids. Perhaps this is because older children have greater capacity to imagine both what happened and what might happen.

Talking about the fact that our government is better prepared to deal with terrorist attacks or that Bin Laden is no longer a threat might help reassure your child.

With teens or philosophically minded children, it might help to talk about the fact that getting out of bed every morning is an act of courage and faith. It takes courage because we know that bad things could happen, but we choose to live our lives anyway, and to have faith that, overall, the good in life far outweighs the bad.

But sometimes pictures can get through to children better than all of our adult words.

I live in New Jersey, commuting distance from New York City, and I remember a young girl who came to see me for a therapy session around 9/11. She was understandably frightened and kept asking, “What if Bin Laden does this?” or “What if Bin Laden does that?” At the time, we didn’t know what was going to happen. I couldn’t honestly tell her, “Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

So, I pulled out a piece of paper and drew a small stick figure at the bottom. “This is you,” I told her. “Let’s talk about who’s in charge of keeping you safe.” She said her parents, so I drew stick figures to represent them. Then she said her aunts, uncles, and grandparents, so I drew more stick figures above those. Then she said the police and firefighters, so I drew stick figures with hats. Then she said the military, so I drew stick figures with crew cuts. We worked our way up to the President–a stick figure with a flag. I couldn’t give this little girl a guarantee of safety, but I could leave her with an image of layer upon layer of adults, standing between her and danger.

Reprinted with permission from Kennedy-Moore, E. & Lowenthal, M. S. (2011). Smart Parenting for Smart Kids: Nurturing Your Child's True Potential (Jossey-Bass/Wiley).

How should I respond?

Finally, the anniversary of September 11th offers an opportunity to give our children some answers to the important, but usually unspoken, questions about how to respond to a major negative event.

Research routinely finds that when parents cope better, children tend to cope better, but that’s not always easy to do. An experiment by Peter Fischer and his colleagues showed that, compared to parents who saw neutral photos, parents who were exposed to photos of the 9/11 terror attacks behaved in more negative, impatient, and harsh ways with their children shortly after seeing the photos. So, if you find yourself feeling more irritable or on edge in the next couple of weeks, with the nonstop media coverage of the anniversary, it may help to know why, to turn off the TV, and to try to come up with some positive coping strategies. Our children watch what we do more than they listen to what we say.

Adversity takes its toll on us, but it can also help us grow. A nationally representative survey of 1382 adults by Michael Poulin and colleagues found that, two months after the attacks, almost 60% of people perceived benefits from 9/11. These benefits included increased kindness and greater religious and political engagement.

I don’t believe that tragedy has any intrinsic meaning, but sometimes it’s possible to create meaning out of tragedy. For some people, the events of September 11th were a call to think about their priorities in life and to make sure they are doing what really matters to them. Others felt a deep appreciation for what they have. Some people created meaning through an increased sense of community and took comfort in the out-pouring of caring that the tragedy precipitated. For some people these events were a call to increased patriotism, whereas others felt an increased need for global understanding or for fighting hatred and bigotry. For some people these events lead to a desire for greater spiritual connection.

Anyone who has ever made a New Year’s resolution knows how easy it is to lose our good intentions in the busyness of daily life. So it’s important to translate whatever meanings we create into specific do-able actions, rather than leaving them as vague resolves. The ten-year anniversary of 9/11 might be a good time to recommit yourself to putting your values into action. Call your mother once a week. Tell your spouse “I love you” before you go off to work. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Nurture your spirituality through spending time in nature or in a faith community. Donate time or money to a political cause. Send a care package to the troops. Read a book about Islam. Small, tangible acts like these make it more likely that the meanings we create won’t be just fleeting inspirations. Instead, they can become an integral part of our lives.

Talk with your child about what you’ve decided to do and why. One of the most powerful lessons that we can teach our children is that growth can emerge from sorrow.

Where were you on September 11, 2001? Do you remember how you reacted? Did you make any positive changes or resolutions after that time?

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© Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD. You’re welcome to link to this post, but please don’t reproduce it without written permission.

Getting Along blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation.

photo credit: David Sim http://www.flickr.com/photos/victoriapeckham/491260578/

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For further reading:

Bonanno, G. A., Brewin, C. R., Kaniasty, K., & La Greca, A. M. (2010). Weighing the costs of disaster: Consequences, risks, and resilience in individuals, families, and communities. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 11, 1-49.

Cantor, J. and Nathanson, A. I. (1996), Children’s fright reactions to television news. Journal of Communication, 46, 139–152.

Eisenbert, N., & Silver, R. C. (2011). Growing up in the shadow of terrorism: Youth in America after 9/11. American Psychologist, 66, 468-481.

Fischer, P., Fischer, J., Frey, D., Such M., Smyth, M., Tester, M., & Kaastenmuller, A. (2010). Causal evidence that terrorism salience increases authoritarian parenting practices. Social Psychology, 41, 246-254.

Goldman, L. (2003). Talking to children about terrorism. In M. Lattanzi-Licht & K. J. Doka (Eds.), Living with grief: Coping with public tragedy (pp. 139-150). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.

Poulin, M. J., Silver, R. C., Gil-Rivas, V., Holman, A. E., & McIntosh, D. (2009). Finding social benefits after a collective trauma: Perceiving societal changes and well-being following 9/11. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 22, 81-90.

Helping your child cope with the start of a new school year

Although they might groan about the end of summer and the start of homework, for most children, the beginning of the school year is an exciting time, full of possibilities. Each new school year entails new teachers, new classmates, new experiences…but all this newness brings uncertainty, which means that almost every child will feel at least a tickle of back-to-school anxiety.

Mild symptoms of back-to-school anxiety might include “butterflies in the stomach,” spending a lot of time picking just the right outfit for the first day of school, being full of questions, or staying more quiet than usual. More uncomfortable symptoms might include having trouble sleeping, decreased appetite, restlessness or irritability. Severe symptoms might involve tears, tantrums, or even refusing to go to school.

Different ages, different worries

What children worry about varies with age. Preschoolers, kindergarteners, and first graders might have a hard time with separation, especially if they have limited experience being away from a parent. Young children tend to worry about getting hurt and about practical logistics, such as “What if I can’t find the bathroom?”, “What if I get on the wrong bus?” or “What if I come out of school and my mom/dad/sitter isn’t there?”

In a new school, older children might have practical worries similar to younger kids, such as “What if I can’t find my classroom?” or “What if I can’t get my locker open?” However, they’re more likely to have social concerns, such as “Will my teacher be nice?”, “What if I don’t have any friends in my class?”, and “Who will I sit with at lunch?” Older children are also more likely to worry about school performance and the increased work demands in a higher grade. Adolescents tend to worry about how others, especially peers, will evaluate them. Children who are in the youngest grade at a school sometimes fear being picked on or pushed around by the big kids.

If your child seems anxious, it’s worth asking, “What are you concerned about?” Children sometimes hear incorrect or exaggerated information from other kids that frightens them unnecessarily (e.g., “All the fifth grade teachers are really mean!”, “You’ll go deaf if the fire alarm goes off!”, or “Everyone in middle school gets bullied!”). You may be able to offer reassurance or correct misunderstandings to put some fears to rest. You may also want to try to have more “hang out time” together, if possible. Our simple presence is comforting and soothing to our children and gives them the opportunity to talk if they want to do so.

Support your child’s coping efforts

Here are some more ideas about how to help your child cope with back-to-school worries:

- Acknowledge your child’s feelings.
Dismissing your child’s fears by saying, “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine” will just prompt your child to argue more that things won’t be fine. It’s kinder and more effective to acknowledge that your child feels scared. You could say something like, “You’re nervous about starting at the upper school,” or “You’re worried because your friends from last year are mostly in a different class.” Just hearing that you understand can often ease the burden of worries for children.

- Provide as much predictability and control as possible. This could mean visiting a new school before opening day, finding a photo of your child’s new teacher on the school website, or printing out a floor plan of the school to let your child plan a route between classes. It could mean starting up a regular bedtime routine a few days before school begins, laying out clothes the night before, or helping your child organize school supplies such as color-coded folders for each class. It could mean arranging for your child to walk to school with a friend or encouraging your child to plan an after-school get-together with some buddies.

- Make plans for handling possible rough spots. If your child is worried about a particular situation, help your child figure out a plan for handling it. For instance, if your child says, “What if I have no one to play with at recess?” ask, “What could you do in that situation?” and then brainstorm solutions or offer suggestions, if necessary. Be specific. For example, on the playground, your child could stand in line to use the slides or swings, join a game of basketball, tag, or four-square, or scan the playground for another child who seems to be looking for a playmate. With young children, it may help to point out that teachers, aides, and even the principal will be available to help and to make sure things go smoothly. With older children, you may want to emphasize that other kids will be dealing with the same problems.

- Emphasize continuity. Children often hear, “Things will be a lot different once you’re in grade X!” This can be alarming. Emphasizing continuity, rather than dramatic changes, helps children feel less adrift. Ask your child, “How different are you the day after your birthday compared to the day before your birthday?” The answer, of course, is that although the chronological age has changed, your child hasn’t changed noticeably. Moving up a grade works the same way. You may want to tell your child, “Your classmates are the same kids you saw in June. Year to year, there are big differences; month to month, not so much.” You could also tell your child, “Just like you managed the transition from first to second grade, and second to third grade, I’m sure you’ll manage this transition, too. It’s just another step on the same path.”

Set positive but realistic expectations

The most important thing you can do to ease back-to-school worries is to share your confidence in your child’s ability to cope. Children tend to look to their parents to help gauge, “How dangerous is this new situation?” If you are calmly optimistic that your child will manage the back-to-school transition, it makes it easier for your child to be hopeful, too.

You may need to help your child accept that sometimes it takes time to get used to new circumstances. For instance, if your child is worried about changing classrooms, you could say, “Right now, the idea of changing classes seems scary, but my guess is that after a few weeks, you’ll be used to it, and it will seem like no big deal.”

You may also want to tell stories of how your child coped successfully in the past. “Remember when you went to soccer for the first time, and you didn’t know anyone? What happened then? Right, you and Brandon got to be good friends.” The message to your child is, “You coped then, so you’ll be able to cope now.”

When my children were younger, I used to tell them at the beginning of the school year, “Somewhere in your new class is a child who is waiting to be your friend. How will you figure out who that is?” This helps children notice and be ready to respond to friendly overtures from classmates, and it sets up a positive expectation about the school year.

Do you have any back-to-school traditions to celebrate the start of a new school year?

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© Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD. You’re welcome to link to this post, but please don’t reproduce it without written permission.

Getting Along blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation.

photo credit: Kate Ter Haar http://www.flickr.com/photos/katerha/5021009210/

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For further reading:

Cartwright-Hatton, S. (2006). Worry in childhood and adolescence. In Davey, G. C. L. & Wells, A. (Eds.) Worry and its psychological disorders: Theory, assessment and treatment (pp. 81-97). Hoboken, NJ, US: Wiley.

Muris, P., Huijding, J., Mayer, B., van As, W., & van Alem, S. (2011). Reduction of verbally learned fear in children: A comparison between positive information, imagery, and a control condition. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 42, 139-144.

Gullone, E. (2000). The development of normal fear: A century of research. Clinical Psychology Review, 20, 429-451.

Gullone, E., King, N. J., & Ollendick, T. H. (2001). Self-reported anxiety in children and adolescents: A three-year follow-up study. The Journal of Genetic Psychology: Research and Theory on Human Development, 162, 5-19.

Westenberg, P. M., Drewes, M. J., Goedhart, A. W., Siebelink, B. M., & Treffers, P. D. A. (2004). A developmental analysis of self-reported fears in late childhood through mid-adolescence: Social-evaluative fears on the rise? Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 45, 481-495

Q: I hear a lot about how important it is for children to develop social skills. What exactly are social skills, and how do children learn them?

There are a lot of different definitions of social skills, but I think of them as the abilities necessary to get along with others and to create and maintain satisfying relationships.

The exuberant, extraverted style of interacting that tends to be valued highly in American society is not necessarily the best or the only way to relate to others. A quieter style of relating can also be very healthy. Social skills are about being able to flexibly adjust our behavior to fit a particular situation and our personal needs and desires.

Three processes underlying social skills

There are three main processes that children (and adults) use to navigate the social world: Seeing, Thinking, and Doing.

Seeing in a social situation, involves picking up on social cues. It means noticing the context: Is the setting casual or formal? Are these other kids close friends, acquaintances, or strangers? Different situations call for different kinds of behavior. Social seeing also means noticing other children’s behavior. If a child feels lost regarding how to act in a new situation, answering the question, “What is everyone else doing?” may provide some hints about what to do. (Obviously, I’m not advocating lemming-like following of the crowd—good judgment is always necessary.)

Monitoring others’ reactions can also help children change course if things aren’t going well. For instance, noticing, “She seems bored with this game” could prompt a child to suggest a new game or to ask the friend what she would like to do.

Children who have trouble with social seeing often unwittingly annoy others. They may do things that are inappropriate for the context, such as being silly when everyone else is being serious. Worse, they may persist in doing annoying or upsetting things because they overlook the signs that others want them to stop (e.g., glaring at them, avoiding eye contact, moving away).

Thinking in social settings involves interpreting other children’s behavior to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing. Are they being playful or aggressive? Was it deliberate or accidental? It also means being able to predict others’ likely responses and to come up with effective strategies for influencing peers in desired ways.

Research on social cognition tells us that children who struggle socially often misinterpret others’ intentions. For instance, aggressive children are more likely than other children to view a peers’ behavior as stemming from deliberate meanness. They’re also less able to come up with constructive strategies for resolving social difficulties.

Doing in a social context means interacting with peers in positive ways. Some children know what they ought to do, but have trouble actually doing it. For instance, they may want to join a conversation, but they feel anxious and freeze up, so they say nothing. Other children tend to act impulsively, blurting out inappropriate comments.

Helping children learn social skills

Some kids seem to learn social skills very easily, but others can benefit from some extra coaching. Almost every child struggles with friendship issues at some time in some way, whether it’s trying to find a buddy in a new school, handling teasing, or having an argument with a friend. These kinds of experiences are very common, but they can also be very painful.

Considering the three processes underlying social skills—seeing, thinking, and doing—can help you understand where your child might be stuck and suggest ways to help your child move forward. For instance, during a play date or a trip to the playground, you might be able to help your child see more effectively by making observations that draw your child’s attention to relevant cues (e.g., “Carlos seems frustrated right now.” “Priya and Abigail are taking turns on the slide.”).

If your child is struggling to figure out how to respond to a social dilemma, you might be able to support your child’s social thinking by providing insights to explain the other child’s behavior. You could also help your child brainstorm possible responses and evaluate their likely outcomes.

Finally, you might be able to create opportunities for your child to practice “doing” social skills by role-playing tricky situations or by arranging appropriate activities. Kids often make friends by doing things together, so an interest-related club, class, or team might be helpful. One-on-one play dates often feel more manageable than group activities for children who are on the shy side. Some children who struggle socially with their age-mates do better with children who are a few years younger or older than they are.

Continually experiencing social failure doesn’t help children learn. Children who struggle with friendship issues need guidance and support so they can “get it right” socially by seeing, thinking, and doing in ways that help them connect with their peers. Getting lots of practice having positive interactions with other kids enables children to feel genuinely comfortable and confident in social situations.

Do you think it’s harder for children to learn social skills nowadays? Why or why not?

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© Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD. You’re welcome to link to this post, but please don’t reproduce it without written permission.

Getting Along blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation.

photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/wwworks/1384954600/

For further reading:

Buhrmester, D., Furman, W., Wittenberg, M. T., & Reis, H. T. (1988). Five domains of interpersonal competence in peer relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 55, 991-1008.

Crick, N. R., & Dodge, K. A. (1994). A review and reformulation of social information-processing mechanisms in children’s social adjustment. Psychological Bulletin, 115, 74-101.

McDowell, D. J. & Parke, R. D. (2009). Parental correlates of children’s peer relations: An empirical test of a tripartite model. Developmental Psychology, 45, 224-235.

Princeton, NJ psychologist and author, Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, has been a featured guest expert on numerous high-arbitron and nationally syndicated radio shows, including major broadcast network affiliate news stations as well as longer-form interview shows. Drawing from research as well as her clinical experience, she offers listeners warm and practical advice about parenting and children’s feelings and friendships. Producers can contact her directly at EileenKennedyMoore [at] gmail [dot] com or 609-655-2010.

(NJ licensed psychologist #4254)

Sample topics:

- Does parenting make us happy?
- Ordinary meanness (vs. bullying)
- The benefits of sibling squabbles
- How to say no to competitive parenting
- Social savvy: Helping kids make friends
- Talking with children about disaster

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PAST MEDIA APPEARANCES include:

WBZ, Boston, MA, Parent Report w/ Doug Cope, News w/ Deb Lawler, #1 News Station, 50,000 Watts, High Arbitron, CBS Radio Network
www.wbz1030.com

KRLD, Dallas TX, w/ Bonnie Petrie, #1 News Station, 50,000 Watts, High Arbitron, CBS Radio Network
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WLW, Cincinnati OH, w/ Marc Amazon, #1 Overall Station, 50,000 Watts, High Arbitron, signal to 38 states & parts of Canada
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WGAU, Atlanta, GA, w/ Barbara Dooley, ABC Radio Network
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WTSN, Boston, MA, w/ Mike Pomp
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WEMP-FM, New York, NY, FM News 101.9
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New York, NY, Time Warner Cable Ch. 98, Cablevision Ch. 134, Digital TV Ch. 27 Hudson Valley, NY, Time Warner Cable Ch. 12
www.tbn.org

The media coverage of Osama Bin Laden’s death is very confusing for children. On the one hand, it’s a death, which we usually think of as sad and scary. On the other hand, people are celebrating in the streets as if we’d just won a big sporting event. Most adults feel relieved that the leader of Al-Qaeda is no longer a threat, but we worry about possible reprisals. For the people who were touched personally by the events of Sept. 11, Bin Laden’s death may bring a sense of justice or closure, but it also probably evokes sadness, because his death doesn’t bring back the loved ones they lost.

People are meaning-making creatures. We don’t just experience events, we also make inferences about what they mean to us personally and about the world in general. A very important role for parents is to try to place events in context for our children. One way to do this is to talk about values.

Which values we emphasize depends on our particular family, but here are some possibilities: We could talk about the COURAGE that those navy seals showed in going into that compound at great personal risk. We could talk about COMPASSION for the people that Bin Laden hurt and their families. We could also talk about TOLERANCE. Bin Laden is not representative of how most Islamic people think, feel, or act. I think it takes a different kind of courage to fight against hatred and bigotry. With my own children, because I found the celebrations very disturbing, I talked about how I don’t believe that any death–even Bin Laden’s–is a cause for rejoicing. We can feel relieved and even grateful, but it’s not something to celebrate.

So, how can you talk to your child about Bin Laden?

Ask first

Start by asking what your child has heard. You may be able to clarify misunderstandings or offer reassurance. Even if you’ve tried to limit your child’s exposure to media, your child may have seen or heard things at school or from friends.

Limit exposure

Use your judgment about how much immediacy your child can handle. Immediacy means how “in your face” the information is. Most children could handle a caring adult saying something like, “Brave soldiers killed a dangerous man to help keep the world safer.” Hearing a more detailed account would be more immediate. Even more immediate would be seeing pictures (Bin Laden was a scary looking guy!) or video footage. These can be much more frightening to children.

Follow your child’s lead

about how much to talk. Answer your child’s questions in a matter-of-fact way, but keep in mind that children’s worlds are small. If your child seems more interested in tonight’s soccer game than world events, that’s fine.

Emphasize personal safety

Sometimes pictures can get through to children better than all of our adult words. I live in the New York area, and I remember a young girl came to see me around Sept. 11, frightened about “What if Bin Laden does this?” or “What if Bin Laden does that?” At the time, we didn’t know what was going to happen, so I couldn’t honestly tell her, “Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

So, I pulled out a piece of paper and drew a small stick figure at the bottom. “This is you,” I told her. “Let’s talk about who’s in charge of keeping you safe.” She said her parents, so I drew stick figures to represent them. Then she said her aunts, uncles, and grandparents, so I drew more stick figures above those. Then she said the police and firefighters, so I drew stick figures with hats. Then she said the military, so I drew stick figures with crew cuts. We worked our way up to the President–a stick figure with a flag. What this girl was left with was an image of layer upon layer of adults, standing between her and danger.

Find ways to take child-sized action

Most of us feel better when we can do something about a problem, so a final thought about talking with your child about Bin Laden’s death is to try to come up with a child-sized way to take action. This could mean writing a letter to a government official or an article for a school newspaper. It could mean sending a care package to a military person serving overseas. It could mean donating to or raising money for a charity. If your family is religious, it could mean praying for peace. None of these actions will come close to solving world problems, but you can tell your child that every little bit helps, and lots of little bits from lots of people can really add up.

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© Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD. You’re welcome to link to this post, but please don’t reproduce it without written permission.
Getting Along blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation.

Smart Parenting for Smart Kids:
Nurturing Your Child’s True Potential
(Kennedy-Moore & Lowenthal, Jossey-Bass/Wiley)

Here’s the amazon page:
http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Parenting-Kids-Nurturing-Potential/dp/0470640057/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298926822&sr=8-1

A description and links to a free excerpt and short videos about the book are below.

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Description of Smart Parenting for Smart Kids

“My kid is smart, but…”

It takes more than school smarts to create a fulfilling life. In fact, many bright children face special challenges:
– Some are driven by perfectionism;
– Some are afraid of effort, because they’re used to instant success;
– Some struggle to get along with their peers;
– Some are outwardly successful but just don’t feel good about themselves.

Smart Parenting for Smart Kids is a practical and compassionate book that offers parents do-able strategies to help children learn the skills they need to make the most of their abilities and become capable, confident, and caring people.

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“This book is a literal Godsend. Parents will find great wisdom in its pages.”
- Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

“A fresh parenting book is filled with vignettes and strategies for raising smart kids to become healthy, happy and contributing adults.”
- Vicki Abeles, Producer and Co-Director of Race to Nowhere

“A smart, deeply perceptive, and important book.”
- Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

“Helps parents see how to encourage their children to develop as whole people with feelings, ideas, and the ability to cope with the occasional disappointment too.”
- Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, PhD, author of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards

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Here’s a link to the video book trailer:
Competitive Parenting? Just say no! (< 2 min):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zgf2cf-gCp8

Here’s a link to a video author interview:
Why we SHOULDN’T correct our children’s homework (1 min):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ayl6vnii36M

You can download a pdf excerpt of the first chapter here:
http://www.eileenkennedymoore.com/media/Excerpt-Smart-Parenting-for-Smart-Kids.pdf

Amazon page:
http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Parenting-Kids-Nurturing-Potential/dp/0470640057/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298926822&sr=8-1

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